What I Believe

I haven't posted in a while because every time I've touched the computer, I've wanted to talk about Freeman or the war or something like that. And when I think too much about it, I just end up getting depressed all over again. But it's been a week since we buried Freeman, and I've slowly gotten out of my funk.

Freeman's service was beautiful. He was represented by not only many Alpha brothers, but by the military as well. He was posthumously awarded the Purple Heart (among other medals). He was also given a 21 gun salute.

My fraternity also performed what is called an "Omega Service" for him. The ceremony is performed for members that have passed away, and it includes both signing and speaking. I'm by no means a singer, but I've never sang as passionately as I did that day.

I don't like to think of Freeman dying in a war that I don't agree with, because I don't want to belittle his life's worth. I prefer to believe that Freeman died trying to protect the men in his unit. I prefer to believe that Freeman died trying to create a better life for his family. I prefer to believe that Freeman died trying to ensure a people's freedom, whether or not those being freed will ever understand his great sacrifice.

A Message from Freeman's Wife

From Kara Gardner, Freeman's wife:

A memorial fund has been set-up in Freeman’s name for his niece Chanel. It was Freeman’s desire that Chanel go to college and he always wanted to help her make that a reality. I have appreciated receiving flowers, but if you would like you may donate to the Freeman Gardner Memorial Fund in lieu of flowers. You may donate at any US Bank (there are none located in Oklahoma, but they are located in Texas, Arkansas and Washington). Checks should be made out to the Freeman Gardner Memorial Fund and the account number should be used as well (15355-888-5627).

Donations can be mailed to the following address:

US Bank
Attn: Linda
9310 Bridgeport Way SW
Tacoma , WA 98499-1569

Thanks again for all of your support.

NOTE: Additional information can be found at the ZZalphas website.

Not Ready to Play Nice

First of all, thanks to everyone that's dropped me emails and comments. I really appreciate it.

I'm not really sure if there is a "12 Steps of Grief" list or something like that, but I've moved past sadness and am currently rooted in the "I'm Mad as Hell" aka the "F-U George Bush" phase.

I know it's silly, but I find myself wondering: What if the Democrats were able to make that vote a year ago? What if Kerry had been elected instead of GW? What if Freeman had just been a little to the left or to the right when that bomb went off.

I feel like I'm looking to get into an argument. We've got some pretty conservative-minded folks at my office, and I'm almost praying that someone says something about the war. Or about Bush. Or...hell, they could probably start a conversation about toothpaste. I'd still try to find a way to get into an argument about how much Bush has fucked up the Iraq situation.

The Army finally released Freeman's name today. I read the press release, and was like WTF? That's it? That's all you have to say? Fortunately, one of the Seattle TV stations had more on their website (http://www.komotv.com/news/local/6694517.html). My brother also listed some memorial things about Freeman on our alumni fraternity site.

I started to send the link to Freeman's line brothers (for those of you not familiar with Black Greek-Letter Fraternity talk, that means his pledge class). I kept counting the email addresses, wondering who I was missing. There were eight of them on the line--who could I be forgetting?

Then I realized that the missing one was Freeman. I guess dead men don't need email addresses.

I'm sure I'll be more level-headed tomorrow. But for today, it feels a lot better to be angry.

A Death in the Family

Yesterday, I found out that a very good college friend - my fraternity brother - died in Iraq.

I held it together as I talked to one of my co-workers right after I found out. The co-worker mistakenly started off our conversation by calling me a "tree-hugging liberal." Usually I just laugh when he says things like that. Yesterday, I didn't laugh.

I held it together while I talked to numerous fraternity brothers about what had happened. Details are still sketchy. Most of us are still a little numb. I know I am.

I held it together...until I had to tell my wife. And that's when I lost it. I don't know if Crystal's ever seen me cry before yesterday.

Yesterday, Freeman Gardner, my fraternity brother, my friend, died in Iraq.

Today is a very bad day.

Tomorrow, I will go buy the first suit I've bought in 8 years. It will be black.